Have You Become Invisible?
July 5, 2011 by confab
Filed under Zen & Wellness
On a recent visit to Hearst Castle with one of my dearest friends (Gina), I had a life defining moment…
I realized I had become invisible!
One night at sunset, Gina and I hit the gorgeous California coastline for a little exercise and fresh air. She ran to the North. She is a runner. I walked to the south. I am a walker. When we had both reached our halfway point, we turned around and were headed straight towards each other.
What happened next was horrifying. As we approached, I said “Hey”. She looked right through me and kept on running. She didn’t even see me.
It was if I was invisible!
There have been times in my life, when I wished I was invisible, but this wasn’t one of them. I could have brushed it off and explained it away. She was deep in thought, concentrating on keeping her pace. Whatever–no big deal, right?
But it was a big deal. It bothered me for weeks until I realized that the whole experience was a metaphor for an identity crisis—mine!
Gina and I met in our late teens. We had both just “broken the ties from our adolescence”. We embraced our newly discovered independence as we sped down the highway in her red mustang convertible. It was a real Thelma and Louise moment. We were inspired, brave, and full of purpose and potential…
Our auras were vibrant and strong. To this day, when I see Gina, I see her essence before I see her physical being. She is like Athena, goddess of war and wisdom. Her aura is so bright, that I am certain I could see it with my peripheral vision.
And so it has been through the course of our friendship. We hold the vision of our highest selves for each other. Gina knows my aura as well as I know hers, but this time, she didn’t see it.
Had it grown that dim?
The looming question was “why?” Who had I become? How had I let this happen?
Time is a test for all of us. We face different challenges during different decades. Generally speaking, our 20’s are for discovering our true identity and breaking away from the parental influences. The 30’s are about building the career, the family, the empire. In the forties, after having focused so much of ourselves on careers, children, husbands and family, we might fall victim to this phenomenon.
Reduced to footprints in the sand–we become invisible.
Photo Credit: Footprints in the sand by Neverxlight
Identity crisis is not just for men. In some ways, I think women may be even more affected. It’s just that not too many of us try to find ourselves again through fast cars and men half our age, so our struggles don’t make the headlines.
Now, I am grateful for that brief but unacknowledged passing on the boardwalk.
In the process of dealing with the trauma, I was graced with a distant memory. 15 years ago, a favorite employee gave me a simple, but powerful gift. It was a beautiful necklace with a charm that said one word, “inspire”. He said I had been one of the biggest inspirations in his life and he wanted me to remember that daily. I should have never stopped wearing that necklace.
Thankfully, I realized that the one thing I owe myself is to step back into my fading foot prints and reclaim the newer, better me.
I know I am not alone. After recent conversations with many women friends, I am now aware that this is fairly common. The solution lies in acknowledgement and personal accountability.
That defining moment on the boardwalk in Cambria was a tipping point. I came to the brutal realization that I (and I alone) had let myself go, (literally) from inspiring to invisible. And it is my duty now to morph the prior inspiring self, with the new, wiser, more influential person I am becoming.
But, invisible can be comfortable. Many of us get there and decide to stay for decades. Becoming visible again is no easy feat. In my case, even though my essence is essentially the same, circumstances of my life are not.
Therein lays the challenge. When we get caught up in the drudgery of everyday responsibilities, it is easy to lose touch with who we are. If you are lucky, you’ll have an experience like mine that will jolt you back to reality.
If you are so fortunate, embrace it. Do what-ever you can to open your mind to new possibilities so you can give your past self an introduction to your future self. Take a class, enlist professional help, or simply allow yourself to do something that makes you feel alive. Journal. Soul search. Travel. Cleanse. Learn from the masters of metamorphosis… goddesses like Cher, Madonna, Bette, and Lady Gaga. They have always managed to keep it new, (and you probably won’t even need a meat dress to be successful).
Just get creative and be brave. Don’t let yourself become invisible!
P.S. This post is dedicated to all of the amazing women I know. To me, you are beacons of light visible through the darkest night.
Photo Credit: Lighthouse by Samity
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I know that feeling well. My first five years in areospace was exhilarating … then I sliped on an invisibility cloak. That’s behind me now and a day doesn’t go by without someone saying “Good job!” … “That’s nice!” … “Did you do that?” … “Keep up the good work!” … etc
It’s nice to get my MOJO workin’ again. I just didn’t think about it until I read your blog. Inspiring!
Hey John,
I was going to mention that I noticed you got your mojo back.
Thanks for stopping by and tell V-Rose we miss her!
Kim
I went ziplining on Sunday, something totally unexpected that nobody thought I would ever do. It was the most amazing thing and I had a blast! I felt so alive and it was GREAT! I’ve been a work at home mom for 2 years as a child care provider so I could be home with my toddler. I was just sharing with a friend of mine that working from home can be so isolating or invisible to the world. I was feeling like I had lost my identity. I can completely relate to this post. Thank you!
Aloha from Maui
http://lfukumoto.blogspot.com
Hi Luana,
Ziplining must have been an incredible rush. Congrats for stepping outside your comfort zone. I went ATVing today up at 11,000+ feet over really steep and rocky terrain with my son hanging on for dear life. I don’t think my family thought I could do it either. It feels good.
I know there are tons of mom’s out there doing whatever they can to support their families without ever dreaming of asking for credit or acknowledgement. We do it out of love, but it is really hard not to feel what you (and me) and thousands of others feel in the the process.
Aloha!
I feel like I worked hard some time ago to become invisible. I find myself becoming visible again since working on letting go of some fears. I am noticing people notice me and it doesn’t even feel right anymore. Now I have to fight to keep the fears at bay and continue to be comfortable in my skin. Thanks for the great post!
Hi Sarah,
Good to see you. It’s a strange push and pull phenomenon between wanting to maintain a strong sense of identity without making it “all about me” that we women are faced with.
Kim
OR your friend Gina may experience temporary BLINDNESS when she is soaked in endorphins while running along one of the most beautiful coastlines on the planet! I think it was Mumford and Sons’ Awake My Soul CRANKING in my earbuds when I crossed your path. So SORRY to have caused you any consternation. You should hear my kids complain about trying to get my attention when I’m in the flow zone. Lucia has been reduced to repeatedly shrieking to “GINA!” (after I don’t respond to “Mom!”) to get me to turn my head during a workout. Pls know you are the opposite of invisible to me, missy. You are Inspiration Writ Large. But, alas, I can relate to your post too. As we hover in our mid40s, betwixt childcare and eldercare (got a call from my mother’s cardiologist w/ bad news while I was reading your post), I realize it often feels selfish to make it about US, what we NEED and WANT … because we are so versed in serving others whose needs feel … more pressing, deserving. You, especially, Kim, are one of the most generous souls I know. For that reason alone, not to mention your countless creative talents, you are not only SEEN but shine BRIGHTLY … like the SUN, my friend. I’m just lucky to be in your solar system. Even if I am blinded by the light at inopportune moments.
To you w/ love,
Gina
Hi,
I knew you were going to feel some regret at this post. But I know you and know that you can also realize that I really needed this kick in the pants and I would have kept ignoring it if it didn’t come from someone whom I love and admire so dearly.
And this is how we can help each other most in our lives. I know we will still be inspiring each other in our nineties. I also know that it will be you, and other amazing women like you who help keep me on my path. I hope to be there for you during some of those pivotal moments. Who knows, maybe I already have.
I am so honored to be seen and seen through by you.
XO, Kim
I’ll give you invisible, the invisibility of the middle-aged woman. Since my hair turned silver, I have been passed over in the line at the coffee house and at the hardware store. I once had a woman who had stepped behind me into a very slow line to buy paint at a mega-home supply store starting shrieking at me when my turn came at the counter. I had jumped the line! She hadn’t seen me in the line before! I laughed, and told her I had seen her come into the line 15 minutes ago. That aggressive woman was not atypical – I find that many women in their late 30s and their 40s are frightened by women of my age (54). They see what’s coming … and in a world (21st c. US) in which a woman’s sexual availability is still key in how the world sees her, a post-menopausal woman is a reminder that you won’t always be wanted.
But the funniest invisibility moment occurred in that huge bank of revolving doors at Marshall Fields’ (now Macy’s) onto State Street. It was a grey November day. I was semi-dressed up in a silly faux fur coat (i.e., I did not look like a bag lady). It was a weekday morning. Very few people were out shopping and the bank of doors loomed empty. I stepped into the cell of one of the doors to push my way out onto the street and a young man in a suit pushed into the cell with me. What, 20 cells available and he needs to be IN the same cell with me? On the street, I called him on it – was he a perv? No, ma’am, he apologized, I just didn’t see you there! I was all of 45 at the time.
Or maybe he was in the flow …. (hi, Gina!) (actually, knowing Gina, I completely understand how she gets into the flow!)
Hi Kate,
I am really touched by what you wrote. I knew this would hit a hot button with a lot of women. I am not ready to give up yet. The situation with Gina made me realize that while what we do in putting everyone else first is admirable, and if we admit it, we enjoy doing it, I am now up for the challenge of tipping the scales back in favor of reclaiming my identity. I don’t really want to go back to my twenties. I want to capitalize on everything I have learned so far and keep getting better.
It is tough though. I had lunch recently with a friend who used to always hit on me and he definitely didn’t seem as “interested”.
Thanks for stopping by. I am really glad that you took so much time to share your experiences.
Kim
Awesome post, Kim! What a great reminder! I’m working on coming back from invisibility at age 56 … I figure it’s never too late!
Hi Deb,
I think it can happen at any time, it just depends on the circumstances of our lives. I am working on it too. Still doing the Pilates and losing weight and getting stronger is bringing back my “mojo”. But, of course, it’s alot more than just physical. I agree, I think it’s never too late.
Great to see you!
Kim
WOW! I don’t know for sure how you found me on BlogFrog (because frankly I’m not sure how that works very well), but I’m sooo glad you did for this post! This is *exactly* what I wrote about this morning on my blog and what I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. I think in the midst of taking on the new role of a wife and mom, I’ve forgotten to get to know who the new me is in these new roles. I knew who I was but I need to get to know who I am now because of course I’ve changed in these past 8-10 years.
Thanks so much for the kick in the pants — would you mind if I link this post to my own?
Hi Laura,
I don’t think we are alone at all. In fact, I think this is one of the biggest challenges of motherhood. And, by all means, feel free to link. I think more of us should be talking about this. I think it is kind of the big white elephant in the room.
Kim
Thank you for this post! I’m in my mid-twenties and still relate. I was quite active socially and with my talents particularly in high school and college. I often sang ~8 hrs a day and received compliments all the time and felt a lot more “visible” socially – like people would come to me often to seek advice …..so now that I’m a stay-at-home wife and mother and not doing much socializing or singing anymore (booo) I don’t get those comments much anymore and don’t get that good satisfying feeling of helping people through their issues like I used to. I’m having a hard time developing my new sense of self, incorporating my past with now being a wife and mother as well. I’m trying to find that umph to feel more like myself again (i.e. finding the right opportunities to develop and use my talents) while still giving what I need to to my family.
Hi Melanie,
I think this feeling can kick in any time you are going through major changes in your life and the catalyst is often the transition to motherhood or the transition out of it.
I know a lot of women whose kids are in various stages of leaving the nest, and this feeling is kicking in. I am still in the middle of it, and it kicked in. The key is recognizing it, realizing that you are not alone and refocusing some energy on your own identity.
For you, it might start with your circle of friends. Sounds like this was really important to you. Thanks for sharing your feelings here with us.
Kim
Listen old pal, you can never be invisible. I agree with Gina. You have always and will always shine brighter than most. Its in your very being. I can feel the heat way over in Atlanta! I know how you feel and there are times that I feel like I blend in with the furniture. Thanks for helping me realize that. Now I need to do something about it! I continue to love your blog.
SOOOOOOZZZZZ! I am so glad to see you here. Your words were total music to my ears girlfriend. Don’t be blending into any furniture. That is not the girl I know. We just got back from the Illinois Northwestern game and I drove by the old LAR. I was telling my kids about the day we met.
Love ya! Miss you! Kim