Down on My Knees Begging for Grace.

Context for this post:    I recently joined the Shed Project over at one of my favorite blogs; www.binduwiles.com.    The goal of the project is to shed anything that is unwanted in your life, from excess weight, to bad habits or stuff.  About 200 people from all walks of life, have joined together in support of each other on the journey.  The process of shedding brings up many emotions, and a few days ago, an event in my life, coupled with the process of shedding, inspired this post. 

Here goes…

Something I lost in 2007 unexpectedly re-entered my life as a new opportunity.   It was a life-changing loss—the kind of loss that rocked me to the core and had me questioning everything I accepted as “truth”.  For the second time in my life, I was scrambling to fill an enormous void.   

The end of 2010 finds me at the cusp of my new life.  I barely finished rearranging, adjusting and adapting to the events of 2007.  Again, the perpetrator stands before me, taunting, jeering, tempting.   The old feelings of self-doubt are bubbling at the surface.  It is uncomfortable.  Almost painful. 

Photo Credit: Pray by iDream Walker

I won’t lie.  The temptress offers an excellent opportunity.  My first reaction was one of “sweet revenge”.  That is why I was down on my knees begging for grace.  I know instinctively that the “WHY” of re-engagement rivals the “IF”.  With misguided intentions, it will become a destructive rather than a healing force. 

In the past, I allowed this intruder to control me.  She was like a cancer that consumed my identity.  Her sudden disappearance left a crater in my life and my soul, but provided an opportunity to dig deep and embrace change.  “IF” this second chance materializes, my “renewed relationship” will be one that supports rather than controls.

Loss provides invaluable opportunity.  As humans, we experience two kinds of loss; sudden unexpected loss, like the loss of a loved one, a job, or our health, and intentional loss when we choose to surrender.  We quit smoking, clean out a garage, or terminate a dead-end relationship. 

Photo Credit: That Silver Lining by The Silver Doe

The space left by the loss will be filled with something.  Even if it is filled by nothing, that nothing becomes something—an unobstructed view…an escape route…a silver lining. 

Sometimes, unexpected loss is best followed by intentional loss.    Unexpected loss serves as a catalyst for change.  How we choose to deal with the loss determines our outcome. 

Photo Credit: Laguna Beach Fire by Steve Turnbull

In 1993, I was faced with major unexpected loss when my first home in Laguna Beach, California burned to the ground along with 350 other homes.   Three months after my wedding, with unwrapped gifts in the spare bedroom, my husband and I were homeless.  As newlyweds, we found ourselves starting over, with nothing but our dogs, the clothes on our backs and each other.

I am grateful for the experience. It was a defining era of my life.  I learned that nothing matters but my relationships.  The sad truth is that the new life I created did not reflect the lesson.   In reaction to the loss, we began a destructive pattern.  We overcompensated by filling the void with stuff.  Maybe it was because we were in our twenties, and that is a time of building and accumulating.  Maybe the two of us were subconsciously trying to fill the void.  The fact is we became rabid consumers.   A foundation built on the material rather than the spiritual does not a strong foundation make.

Photo Credit: Floating by Cherub Torn

Fast forward to 2008—the second unexpected loss.  This time, I was determined to be more selective and purposeful about how I filled the void. I resisted the instinctual urge to fight my way up after being caught under the rapids.  Instead, I surrendered to the current, trusting that it would bring me back to the surface in a better place.

I entered a three year purging pilgrimage designed to rid myself of anything and everything that no longer served me.  Ironically, I prayed for fire, because fire would be more expedient than the three years it has taken to relinquish the relics of my past.  My prayers were unanswered and I continued the arduous process of rebuilding a new foundation—a more solid spiritual foundation.

Photo Credit: Freedom by Ripped Knees

There is a lesson for all of us who are in the process of purging the unwanted. Shedding with the intention of creating real and lasting change requires that we become crystal clear about what it is that we are trying to create.  In that regard, it is a spiritual process, even if it involves the material.  If you approach your shed project with the intention of opening up space, the results will be life altering.  You will find freedom. 

Anything left in my life is considered carefully with the following questions:

• Is it a tax or a tool?
• Is it aligned with my long term goals and the vision of who I am becoming?
• Can I afford to maintain my relationship with this person, place or thing? 

If it is a tool for me to serve others, is aligned with my long term goals and vision, and if I can afford the time, energy or money to keep it in good condition, then, I keep it.  If not, I find a way to repurpose, discard or donate.   This process requires grace to put aside ulterior motives, material passions, and my ego so I can align with my ideal future.  In that, I find grace. 

Are you in the process of accumulating, or purging?  What impact is it having on your life?

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